Post Adoption Depression

I have to be honest about some things. Our life is great and the kids really are fabulous, but fabulousness is a subjective thing. I am coming out of my post-adoption funk, but I think I may have been in some degree of post-adoption depression since about day 3 of being with the kids. I’m just going to hit the low points…at about day 3 or 4 I seriously questioned the wisdom in bringing these kids home. I thought they really seemed to have been doing well in foster care and they really seem to miss their foster mom and hate me. I thought that maybe it would be better for us to support them there and just let them stay with their foster parents. It seriously took days for me to come to the realization that the only reason they were so well cared for was because we were adopting them. They never would have been in foster care and would have been back at that awful orphanage. That was probably the lowest point in country.

After coming home I had a couple of stellar mom moments. I was trying to get one of the new kids to sleep and was holding them and rocking them. I had nothing for this kid. Everything in me wanted to set this child down and walk away. I did not want this child to touch me or really be anywhere near me at that moment. I just had nothing to give. I was totally empty. After said child went to sleep I went to talk to my husband and started bawling about how Gabriel isn’t my baby anymore and no one even cares if I am home or not and a hundred other bizarre hormonal rantings. Honestly, it felt pretty good to just let go even though it made no sense. Since that little episode I have been fine! I think I was just under so much pressure from being with them alone on the trip that I needed that release. I needed to open up the crazy box and let a little bit out. It really has been like bringing a newborn (or 2) home. There are so many unknowns and I was so exhausted from the trip and just so many emotions running wild. I’m sure it has been the same kind of weird roller coaster ride for them. I love these kids and they are exactly where they belong. I want people to know that it really is ok to have these kinds of feelings. This process of adoption is painful and beautiful and truly is a “process”.

One Month Home

We have already been home for a month! I read comments from other adoptive parents and a lot of them say things like..."it's like they have been here all along" and maybe I said that in the past. This time...it is NOT like they have been here all along. In fact, it is taking some getting used to. First of all, it feels like we have added 6 more kids to the house! The noise level is just about out of control. Also, we don't all fit in one car anymore and just filling up one car takes forever! We have to put the kids to sleep in shifts and give baths in shifts. It's crazy. We have a line up every night to do teeth and wash faces. I think we may end up spending our entire life savings on overnight diapers and oranges (our kids LOVE oranges!). I haven't slept in the same bed as my husband for at least 2 months now. Oh how things have changed! There are other changes too...the joyful noise of these kids' laughter fills up our home. When I am sleeping with the kiddos they cozy up to me. I wake up with a chubby arm draped across my chest. Sometimes I hear a "Mama" called out and then they will touch my face and go right back to sleep. Olivier is now loving on his Mama and seeking me out for hugs and being held. The bigger kids have just been incredible and fell in love with kids right away. Watching my husband with the kids has made me fall in love with him all over again!

Plamedie even lets Ed hold her now! Sort of.

Congo recap

My trip started with being car-jacked by the police. Seriously. We were heading from the airport and there was construction on the road so our driver tried to go around and the police stopped him. He argued with the officer and tried to smack his hand out of the window so the policeman pulled him out then jumped in the driver’s seat! He drove us to the “police station” and we waited. A fight broke out next to our car and a crowd gather (awesome) and then some guy starting hitting a girl with a broom. None of that seemed to bother the police by the way. I kept nodding off in the back seat and I’m not sure if I was tired or if I was passing out from the heat. We left after our driver paid a $15 fine (which we later paid). We finally arrived at our destination and got settled in. They were doing demolition and the place was under construction but at that point I didn’t really care. I was so happy to be in the same place as my kids and was beyond excited to see them. They would be coming the next day so I could get settled in and get one night sleep. It was a very hard decision to wait until the next day, but in hind sight I am glad I did and I really did the time to get my room set up and get some sleep. Sleep was a little hard to come by with the demolition and the rooster up at 4 am, but I think I was too excited to sleep anyway! I got the call that the kids were downstairs. As soon as I walked in I locked eyes with Olivier from across the room and he smiled at me. That would be the only eye contact I would get for at least the next week. Plamedie climbed up in my arms and we just gazed into each other for so long I can’t even remember. The day was glorious. Full on honeymoon. The kids were great. We played and had fun and the kids went to sleep just fine and then they woke up the next morning…

One Week Home

I tried one other time in the last month to sit down and write things out and I got about 3 sentences into it and had to stop. Let’s hope I get a little further this time! I’m starting with today and working backwards… Things are going VERY well. Better than I could have expected really. The kids are all playing great. Except for some hitting by Olivier, things are about as good as they could be. I may even be making a bigger deal out of the hitting than I need to. Compared to the hitting at the beginning, he has improved a hundred times over! But I am focusing on today, right!? The kids are all sleeping all night long are relatively healthy. Olivier LOVES Ed. He thinks he is the greatest thing ever. He also loves Gabriel. He wants to hang out with them all the time. He gets so excited to see his brother and run around and play with him. It is very sweet. I can tell he very much wants to belong and that he is happy to have a family. He is better at looking to me to administer justice instead of just hitting the offending person. It would be helpful if the other kids didn’t go running from him screaming at the top of their lungs. He thinks that is a great game! I think we may have over prepared them for the hitting as they are expecting it every time the kid looks sideways. Plamedie loves all the attention from everyone. She thinks the big girls are straight from Heaven! She wants very little to do with Ed though. It has taken a week for him to be able to even hold her for a brief time. She is fine with everyone else and is allowing the dog to be in the same room! We had their first doctor visit last week and it went well. They are being referred to dermatology for their scalp infections. Plamedie is being referred to cardiology for a heart murmur. They are running all kinds of blood work on them both. The initial results are looking good, but indicating parasites (which we knew). I am picking up their parasite meds today. It has taken a few days for the pharmacy to order the meds and then they have to compound them as well. Luckily, the pharmacy is fabulous. Hopefully one round will kill off the junk they both have. We will have more results this week. Unfortunately, because of exposures in DRC, the kids will have to be tested for HIV and Hep for the next year. Even if they show as negative now, it doesn’t mean they don’t have them as they were potentially exposed while hospitalized in DRC. Fun stuff!! I am doing ok. I think I was so “on” while with them alone in DRC that I am experiencing a little bit of anxiety. I think I just didn’t let myself go there in country so it is all coming out now. Fortunately, there are lots of people around and everyone else is great! I finally got to have a conversation with my husband last night so that helped a lot! I feel for these kids because hyper vigilance is exhausting!!!! I will try to keep posting and work backward to share all of our experiences in DRC. It has been quite a ride already.

Our progress

I have been so busy trying to get ready to bring two new kids home, that I haven't had time to update! I have tried to get all the appointments taken care of for the kids (dentist, doctor, etc) that they would need in the next 6 months. I've also been working on registration for school for 4 of the kids for this Fall. It seems so early for that , but it will be here before you now it! We have had several appointments a week for the past several weeks. Finally, I think we are slowing down.

I've also been doing quite a bit of nesting! We now have about 15 meals in the freezer and I am working on more. For the most part, we have just been doubling dinners and freezing them. My goal is to get 30 in there! I've got breakfasts, lunches, dinners and a few desserts in there too. I want it to be as easy as possible for the family during travel and when the kids get home. I'd much rather hang out with the kids than cook dinner!

We have several of the documents that we need for the kids, but we still need a few more before we can get a travel date. They really should be done any day now. The kids seem to be doing well. A couple of families that were there took lots of pictures of them and said they are just precious. I believe it. Our little girl looks like she has had some long-term malnutrition. They both have malaria. We'll get them the medical care they need.

Thank you so much for all your prayers and words of encouragement and I promise I will keep you better updated!

update

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our son. He is still in the hospital, but is doing better. He is eating and improving. We are hopeful that we will get more pictures and updates soon.

Things have been busy, busy around here. We have been getting all the things together that we can for the adoption. We have all the paperwork in that we can and now we just wait. Waiting is brutal. So many things can happen and when a part of your heart lives somewhere else it is just hard. We have our receipt from USCIS so now we wait for our fingerprint appointment. There is no other paperwork to do right now. When we get the appointment letter I am driving straight to the office and getting printed! I cannot have these babies waiting on me.

In the meantime we are trying to get the funds together. Our adoption went on fast-forward and we weren’t quite financially prepared for the next steps. God is so cool though and once we said yes, He has been providing. Many people have donated and that has been a HUGE blessing. People are so great and lots of people in the adoption community have given to help these kids. We are on full fundraising mode and have been walking around the house deciding what to sell. It really changes your perspective on your possessions!

church adoption fund

We love our church! This is a copy of the proposal I wrote last year for the church to set up an adoption fund. We are in the process of getting things set up and getting it going!! God loves the orphan and so does our church!



Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this; to care for orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

On Sunday November 7th we are going to be focusing on the plight of orphans. This day, November 7th, has become known as Orphan Sunday. As you may or may not know, we have many families at Grace that are involved in all aspects of orphan care. One aspect of orphan care is adoption. Several of us are very excited to be launching an “adoption support group” here at Grace. We aren’t sure exactly what form this will take, but we are starting it to be an information and support group. These types of adoption groups have been very successful and have grown by leaps and bounds at other churches. We would like to ultimately open these groups to the local adoption community as well.

He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will. Ephesians 1:5

One of the biggest roadblocks to families being able to adopt is finances. In my opinion, this is the biggest roadblock for people. The reality is that adoption, both international and domestic, can range anywhere from $15,000 to $45,000 in cost. While there are some financial resources available for families, these funds are not nearly enough to help all the families that desire to adopt orphans. Also, with the downturn in the economy, many of these resources have been closed down or are so heavily inundated with applications that they cannot even process all of them. The other issue is that the resources that remain available have tightened restrictions in such a way that many families do not even qualify to apply for the assistance. This is a matter of life and death for orphans.

Let me give you an example of this. My son was adopted from the Democratic Republic of Congo in November of 2010. I was only able to apply for 2 grants because the DRC is not a member of the Hague Agreement and the organization we used was not a licensed adoption agency in the state of Washington. We did not receive either grant. Three days prior to my son being removed from the orphanage, the baby girl that was supposed to leave with him died due to complications from starvation and malaria. When they removed my son, they took him straight to the international clinic as he was dying from malnutrition. They were sure he was going to die. This truly is a matter of life and death. While people wait for more money, children die.

I am proposing that Grace set up an adoption fund to help assist families with the high cost of adoption. The initial fund can be set up through a special opportunity of giving. This could happen on Orphan Sunday so that people are given a tangible opportunity not only to help orphans, but to bring those orphans into our Grace family. Can you imagine if Grace became a place that was a haven, an extended family to even more former orphans in this world?!?! It would be wonderful to give the church family this opportunity every year on Orphan Sunday. I would like to further propose that in the 2011 budget, that Grace set aside monies to contribute to the adoption fund. I am proposing that in 2011, the fund become dually funded, both by special giving opportunities and through the annual budget as well.

When you have finished setting aside a tenth of all your produce in the third year, the year of the tithe, you shall give it to the Levite, the alien, the fatherless and the widow, so that they may eat in your towns and be satisfied. Deuteronomy 26:11-12

There are many ways to manage and distribute an adoption fund. One of the most simple ways is to use an organization like LifeSong for Orphans who handle the management and disbursement of funds based on agreed upon criteria. They do this at no cost to the church. It can also be handled in-house. The newly formed Adoption Care Ministry would happily work with staff and counsel to put application procedures in place. There are many other churches that have adoption funds and handle them much like a benevolence fund.
The financial burden that adoption places on families is truly a practical roadblock and it needs to be removed. The Grace family has a wonderful opportunity to help bring those babies out of the pit of the enemy and show them the love of Jesus. Not all are called to adopt, but all are called to do something.

Thank you for your consideration,

Chelese Bergstrom
An adopted child of God